From the start we have said that we don’t know what the future holds, but we know the One who does. I had always thought of that statement in regards to if our foster children were to leave and go back to their bio parents. I never thought of it in terms of a placement not working or going south. We have been fairly honest about our journey with sweet C, but we have also kept many things to ourselves. About 3 months ago, I happened to text our pastor and mentioned that it had been a hard day with her. He said “I had no idea things were this bad, you should have said something.” Saying something opens us a whole other conversation though that is so in-depth and extensive that sometimes it is just easier to say “I’m fine.” Our very close friends, family, and a few other foster parents have known just how hard this journey has been. 
Let me be transparent for a minute. This has been the hardest thing we have ever done, ever…period. Sweet C has a trauma history that is extensive. Every type of abuse and neglect you can think of, she has experienced. Her entire life has been nontraditional and our entire life is about as traditional as it gets as far as a family unit. From the start, nearly 2 years ago, when things didn’t go her way or she got scared, angry, confused, disregulated in any way, she would run away. Girard is a quiet town, most everyone knows us, but this is a major safety issue obviously. In the last 21 months, C has run away and refused to come home 10 times. We know the Girard Police Department much better than I wish we did (total shout to our PD though..they are top notch amazing guys). She has pushed and withdrawn against us on very basic things such as taking a shower, doing chores, getting in the car when we ask her to. There were ok days, days she was happy, but every day there was some type major upheaval. I know because I have journals full of the incidents. Before you think that we didn’t try to fix these issues, you should know we have seen 4 different counselors, we have sought advice from behavior experts, and we have had people in and out of our home weekly and often daily for nearly two years. We have tried behavior modification methods, charts, and systems. We have tried taking things away, rewarding good behavior, providing every consequence we can think of, and done every single thing DCFS asked us to do. Oils, meds, early bedtimes, exercise, giving breaks, providing safe spaces, patience, endless love and support. We have reached the point we are out of options.
The other part of this story is our family and our marriage. Again, transparency here. This is a hard calling. We knew it, our children knew it, but what the commercials about foster children and Facebook posts don’t tell you is that when you have a child with such severe trauma it affects the whole family. Our kids are strong kids, they amaze us, they show grace in circumstances where we want to scream. But they are 8 and 10 years old, they realize when life is stressful too and take on that stress. Speaking of stress, our marriage has experienced more stress in the last year as sweet C’s behaviors escalated than we have in our 20 year history together. Part of C’s history involves a complete lack of trust of men. She has ragged against him more than any one else. Phil tried everything, took her on dates, tried to build trust, changed how he approached her, and an expert finally told us that there is no connection and may never be. The short story is that while our highlight reel on Facebook looks pretty great, our life and marriage has been in complete chaos and shambles. It has been a scary and horrible time.
This all came to a head a week ago when C ran away again and refused to come home. The details of that night are private, but after that incident she went away from our home for a while. In the course of the last week, we have found out several things. C has several disorders that affect her ability to function in a traditional family setting. They are nearly impossible to overcome without individualized attention and very often last into adulthood. The things that have been happening in our family are consistent with a child/adult that have these problems. We have been trying to love her enough to fit a square peg into a round hole. It’s not healthy for her or us. We love her dearly and we want to be in her life, but we cannot meet her needs in our home. This week we have spent time talking with people who know our situation. We have spoken with families that have had to make heart wrenching decisions that are best for everyone. We have sought advice from family, counselors, and friends. But mostly we have prayed fervently for clarity and peace.
We have a peace that passes all understanding that our home is not the right place for sweet C. Our hearts are breaking to recognize that and speak it. We thought she would be part of our forever story, but in order for her story to be success we know that we have to let her go somewhere that can help her. We still plan on being involved in her life, but not as her parents. We have always thought of her as our daughter not our foster daughter, and that will not change. Our love for her doesn't change, just as our love for the other 11 foster children who have shared our home hasn't ever changed.
C moved yesterday and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I met her new foster mom and we cried together. In fact I cried so much that I had a massive headache last night. C has called me 4 times since yesterday begging me to come and get her, pleading with me that she will not run away again, she will not wreck havoc in our home, that she will be nice. I feel like my heart is ripping in half, but I know that this is what is best for her right now. Just in case anyone ever tells you that foster parents do this for the money, those are lies all lies. Because if you do this right, for the right reasons, if you put your heart into it, love with crazy abandon, and get your heart broken when things don’t work out, no amount of money in the world is worth it. Those sweet kids that need a home forever or for a little while though, they are worth it.
Maybe we don’t know how this story ends. Right now our chapter with C in our home is closing and a brand new chapter is beginning for her and us. Life is returning to calm and even the babies are more peaceful. The ONE who knows what all our stories looks like though, HE knows what the future holds. And we know and love him.
No comments:
Post a Comment