Flipping the page and starting a brand new chapter

When I was a little girl, my family lived in a neighborhood full of kids around my age.  In the summer we rode our bikes through the street, left our houses in the morning, checked in at lunch and may or may not have actually eaten at our home for that meal.  We spent time in pools and backyards,  driveways and streets.  We built forts in hedge bushes and fed the cows that wandered up to the fence that bordered the neighborhood.  It was a great childhood and a time that I wish my own children could experience.

 There were 3 of us that were pretty great friends and we spent the most time together during the summer.  Of all the things Missy, Quinn, and I played, "house" was our favorite.  If you are not familiar with the dynamics of "house" the basic idea is that you pretend to be an adult.  You pick a job, family, plan your home and just pretend a whole storyline about that life.  We played this from the time we were 6 years old until well past the time we should have!  My story line was always the same, I was going to marry Jordan Knight (from New Kids on the Block), be a teacher, a Mom of at least 2 kids, and live in a 2 story house with a bathroom attached to my bedroom and a big kitchen (I have always been a detailed person!).

From that young age, I knew what I was supposed to do in life, wife, teacher, kids.  It was a pretty simple dream really, but I chased that dream as I grew.When I graduated from high school, I started college to be a teacher. I loved teaching, I loved my students and seeing the spark of learning! I did not marry Jordan Knight, but I did marry a wonderful guy who loves me endlessly and puts up with my ridiculousness.  It turns out that I don't really like to be sang to either, its awkward.  Having our family ended up being much harder than we expected it to be, but I wouldn't change the way God formed our family for anything.  It was in his time and direction.  Charlie and Kiana are both miracles and we don't ever forget it.

Which bring us to a fairly current place.  Four years ago in March, my teaching position was eliminated.  We were devastated as we had not financially planned and had no idea what we were going to do.  After a few days of wallowing, we started praying that God would reveal what we were supposed to do.  We kept hearing that homeschooling our children was what we needed to do.  We were terrified about how the details would work out, but we proceeded with the plan.  And then on August 1 the school called to say I had my job back.  The choice was now ours.  I could go back to school or I could stay home and homeschool Charlie and Kiana.  It was another gut wrenching choice, but in the end we knew we had to do what we felt was right.  Bringing our children home was never about our dissatisfaction with our school district or feeling I could do a better job, it was simply about obeying what we felt God had for our family.  When we started we decided that we would ride this wave as long as we felt it was right for our family.  It was never our intention to homeschool all the way through high school, because lets be honest high school is really not my jam and we wanted the kids to have a more traditional high school experience.

The last 4 years have been full of adventure, struggle, good days, rotten days, tears, and laughter.  I have had the privilege of educating our children from grades kindergarten/first grade through 3rd/4th grade.  The challenges have been real. There have been science experiments that have gone disasterously wrong, fights over math, and struggles to read.  I have cried in the bathroom raging against God that I didn't understand why I had taught 100's of children to read and I couldn't teach my son.  I have literally bopped Kiana in the head with a Bible during our Bible curriculum because she had an attitude (which gives a new meaning to a "Bible thumper").  I had to learn to walk the fine line between being Mom and making sure that I was an effective teacher as well.  There were seasons were I seriously didn't want to have school that day, but we started at 8:30 anyway.  There were seasons that I couldn't wait to be done with a subject.  It is easily the hardest "teaching position" I have ever had and not just because I had no one else to blame by myself if things went wrong.

Even with all the hard days, I would not have traded these 4 years with our babies.  The amazing days far outweighed the tough ones.  We have read so many books and done novel units that encompassed all subject areas.  I have seen that little boy go from a child who hated to read, who cried when I asked him to read a sentence, to a 10 year old that begs to go to the bookstore.  Who caught the Harry Potter bug after we read the first novel together and even though he knew he couldn't read it independently asked if figure out a way to listen to it (shout out to Audible for that solution).  I got to cuddle Kiana when math wasn't easy like everything else and we struggled to learn facts in every way possible.  There are endless stories laying around our home and in memory boxes that start as one sentence stories to full notebooks in excellent handwriting by a little girl with an imagination a mile wide.  They are mostly about horses, art, and her dislike of bugs.  We snuggled on the couch with anticipation of finishing a book, taken much too long to complete a science project because we could, and sang songs about parts of speech.  They have learned how to cook food from different time periods and cultures.  Charlie learned how to computer program and is still working on on the next section of programming.  Kiana did digital fashion design and that adventure lead to her deciding she would rather just draw clothes! Our family has traveled more than we never dreamed possible, we have made priceless memories, and had experiences that we will never forget.

Last spring, Phil and I both felt that our homeschooling journey was nearing the final chapter.  There are many things that brought us to this place.  Despite all the stress we experienced with C, one of our greatest stress relievers and sanctuaries was being home together each day while she was at public school.  However, she also would come home with stories and excitement about things going on and the kids became more curious.   Charlie will be in Middle School next year and we really wanted him to have a year of school under his belt before that adventure begins.  They are both interested in doing band.  The babies are getting older and napping less, which means that I don't always have adequate amount of time to educate them how I wish.  More than anything though, we felt that God was telling us it was time.

The kids spent some time at the school in the spring and did some placement testing which pleasantly surprised me considering they had never done any standardized tests. This week we registered for 4th and 5th grades and they are over the moon about who they each got for a teacher.  We have back to school shopping (that was pricey), labeled things, have hair appointments scheduled, and have checked things off our summer bucket list.  We have discussed how school works and that there is no shame in not knowing something that you have never needed to know.  Kiana was shocked to learn that you had to ask to go to the bathroom and couldn't just get up and go! We know that there will be bumps, new routines that have to form, and challenges that await.  I pray that Phil and I have prepared them for the adventure that awaits them.

What will I be doing now that I don't have to educate children for a good chunk of the day you ask?  Well we do still have 2 babies at home and my helpers are gong to school! HA!  My travel business is growing so I will be working on that and I plan on subbing at the schools a few days a week also.  I hope to get our home organized and clean things out too, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that one.

Just like bringing them home was a hard decision sending them back has been too.  My heart and emotions are a mess. I actually really like our children. They are funny, smart, make me laugh, and are seriously mostly nice kids! I have been with them pretty much 24 hours a day for the last 4 years and I have loved most every minute of it.  Achieving 2 dreams at once, Mommy and Teacher, is a chance that I didn't think I would ever get.  I do not take lightly that God allowed this time to happen and that he allowed Phil and I to parent and teach these children.  They are the two most important students I have ever or will ever have.

So bring on a new chapter, flip the page to something brand new.  If you need me on the morning of  August 16, I will be the one standing at the school trying not to embarrass my children as tears run down my face.

This wasn't how it was supposed to end....

 Sometimes the story doesn’t end how we thought it would.  Sometimes we read a book and think we have it figured out, and there is such a plot twist that we are left shaken, thinking, and wondering how it ended that way.  Life is very much the same.  Sometimes things don’t go as planned and that is ok.

From the start we have said that we don’t know what the future holds, but we know the One who does.  I had always thought of that statement in regards to if our foster children were to leave and go back to their bio parents. I never thought of it in terms of a placement not working or going south.  We have been fairly honest about our journey with sweet C, but we have also kept many things to ourselves. About 3 months ago, I happened to text our pastor and mentioned that it had been a hard day with her.  He said “I had no idea things were this bad, you should have said something.”  Saying something opens us a whole other conversation though that is so in-depth and extensive that sometimes it is just easier to say “I’m fine.” Our very close friends, family, and a few other foster parents have known just how hard this journey has been.  

Let me be transparent for a minute.  This has been the hardest thing we have ever done, ever…period.  Sweet C has a trauma history that is extensive.  Every type of abuse and neglect you can think of, she has experienced.  Her entire life has been nontraditional and our entire life is about as traditional as it gets as far as a family unit.  From the start, nearly 2 years ago, when things didn’t go her way or she got scared, angry, confused, disregulated in any way, she would run away.  Girard is a quiet town, most everyone knows us, but this is a major safety issue obviously.  In the last 21 months, C has run away and refused to come home 10 times.  We know the Girard Police Department much better than I wish we did (total shout to our PD though..they are top notch amazing guys). She has pushed and withdrawn against us on very basic things such as taking a shower, doing chores, getting in the car when we ask her to.  There were ok days, days she was happy, but every day there was some type major upheaval.  I know because I have journals full of the incidents. Before you think that we didn’t try to fix these issues, you should know we have seen 4 different counselors, we have sought advice from behavior experts, and we have had people in and out of our home weekly and often daily for nearly two years.  We have tried behavior modification methods, charts, and systems.  We have tried taking things away, rewarding good behavior, providing every consequence we can think of, and done every single thing DCFS asked us to do.  Oils, meds, early bedtimes, exercise, giving breaks, providing safe spaces, patience, endless love and support.  We have reached the point we are out of options.

The other part of this story is our family and our marriage.  Again, transparency here.  This is a hard calling.  We knew it, our children knew it, but what the commercials about foster children and Facebook posts don’t tell you is that when you have a child with such severe trauma it affects the whole family.  Our kids are strong kids, they amaze us, they show grace in circumstances where we want to scream.  But they are 8 and 10 years old, they realize when life is stressful too and take on that stress.  Speaking of stress, our marriage has experienced more stress in the last year as sweet C’s behaviors escalated than we have in our 20 year history together.  Part of C’s history involves a complete lack of trust of men.  She has ragged against him more than any one else. Phil tried everything, took her on dates, tried to build trust, changed how he approached her,  and an expert finally told us that there is no connection and may never be.  The short story is that while our highlight reel on Facebook looks pretty great, our life and marriage has been in complete chaos and shambles.  It has been a scary and horrible time.

This all came to a head a week ago when C ran away again and refused to come home.  The details of that night are private, but after that incident she went away from our home for a while.  In the course of the last week, we have found out several things.  C has several disorders that affect her ability to function in a traditional family setting.  They are nearly impossible to overcome without individualized attention and very often last into adulthood.  The things that have been happening in our family are consistent with a child/adult that have these problems.  We have been trying to love her enough to fit a square peg into a round hole.  It’s not healthy for her or us.  We love her dearly and we want to be in her life, but we cannot meet her needs in our home.  This week we have spent time talking with people who know our situation.  We have spoken with families that have had to make heart wrenching decisions that are best for everyone. We have sought advice from family, counselors, and friends.  But mostly we have prayed fervently for clarity and peace.  

We have a peace that passes all understanding that our home is not the right place for sweet C.  Our hearts are breaking to recognize that and speak it.  We thought she would be part of our forever story, but in order for her story to be success we know that we have to let her go somewhere that can help her.  We still plan on being involved in her life, but not as her parents.  We have always thought of her as our daughter not our foster daughter, and that will not change.  Our love for her doesn't change, just as our love for the other 11 foster children who have shared our home hasn't ever changed.

C moved yesterday and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I met her new foster mom and we cried together. In fact I cried so much that I had a massive headache last night. C has called me 4 times since yesterday begging me to come and get her, pleading with me that she will not run away again, she will not wreck havoc in our home, that she will be nice.  I feel like my heart is ripping in half, but I know that this is what is best for her right now.  Just in case anyone ever tells you that foster parents do this for the money, those are lies all lies.  Because if you do this right, for the right reasons, if you put your heart into it, love with crazy abandon, and get your heart broken when things don’t work out, no amount of money in the world is worth it.  Those sweet kids that need a home forever or for a little while though, they are worth it.

Maybe we don’t know how this story ends.  Right now our chapter with C in our home is closing and a brand new chapter is beginning for her and us.  Life is returning to calm and even the babies are more peaceful. The ONE who knows what all our stories looks like though, HE knows what the future holds. And we know and love him.  

I've read this 15 times....

When I was teaching elementary school, I primarily taught 4th and 5th grade.  They were my favorite grades to teach and I still am in contact with several students that I had during those years.  One of my favorite books to read or do a novel unit on was Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia Maclachlan.  If you have never read this award wining book let me sum it up real quick.  Two children and their father live on the prairie.  The mother has died during the birth of the second child.  The father places an ad for a mail order bride and Sarah, from Maine arrives. I have easily read this book 15 times in my life if not more.  When I was planning our school year out this year, I was so excited that the kids were finally old enough to do a novel unit on it!

Yesterday, we were finishing up the book.  Sarah has gone to town after the father taught her to drive the wagon.  Caleb and Anna, the children, have been very worried that she wouldn't come back. We came to this passage:

"Papa took the reins and Sarah climbed down from the wagon.

Caleb burst into tears

'Seal was very worried!' he cried

Sarah put her arms around him, and he waited into her dress. 'And the house is too small, we thought! And I am loud and pesky!'"

We kept reading and Kiana said, "Wait! Caleb is like (sweet) C.  Bad things happened to him and he has trauma.  He is saying all these other things that he was worried about instead of saying what he is really worried about...Sarah not coming back." I have read this book over and over and NEVER made that connection, but she was spot on.

Tears gathered in my eyes.  As a teacher, it was a proud moment.  She made a real world connection, she comprehended this deep story.  But as a Mama...as a Mama this is a moment that made me realize that she gets it.  She gets it better than most adults in our life get it. Kiana is living with a child who has experienced unspeakable trauma.  Who very often has outbursts and behaviors that make no sense to any of us and often make the whole house feel very chaotic.  Kiana doesn't even know half of the things that have happened to sweet C, but she has figured out that those horrible things that happened in the first 7 years of her life have caused her brain to not function in a normal way all the time.  Sweet C has come a long way in the 19 months she has been with us.  She has healed and learned to trust, but there is so much work to do still.  Some days seem like we take 5 steps back and some days it seems like we take no steps forward.

When we felt called to foster this time around, we were most worried about how it would affect Charlie and Kiana.  They were 7 and 8, formative ages.  But the thing we have found is that our children have a level of patience and understanding that even we don't often.  They show compassion in times when we want to scream.  They accepted sweet C, the Peanut Butter, and Mr. J without blinking an eye.  They both became the most amazing helpers with the babies and immediate siblings with C.  Their entire world has been turned upside down, they have had people in and out of their home, they have learned about counselors, and caseworkers, and judges.  We could have protected them from all this, we could have said no to this hard calling, we could have waited until they were older, maybe more mature.  But then we wouldn't have seen a whole different side of our precious children, the compassion, the patience, the love, the acceptance of anyone.  We could have missed this and so could have they.

Over two years ago we sat Charlie and Kiana down for a family meeting in our kitchen.  Kiana was sitting right next to Phil, in a tutu, sweatshirt, and crazy hair.  Phil started telling the kids what we were feeling called to, that we believed that Jesus wanted us to be foster parents again.  He said that we wanted to hear their thoughts because it would be a family decision and affect them.  That little 6 year old looked up at her Daddy with her big brown eyes and said, "Well Dad, if you would have said no the first time, I wouldn't be here.  So I guess you know what to do."

Maybe they were more ready than we thought.  Maybe God had prepared their hearts and minds for sweet C to be in our home.

Sometimes, words fail.  They did that night, they did the other day reading Sarah, Plain and Tall.

The Magic of Facebook

Since Peanut Butter came to live at our house in November 2015, I haven't been sleeping a whole lot at night.  These particular babies enjoy getting up multiple times a night.  Just one of the many ways that parenting has changed since I became a parent 10 years ago is that now at night when I am up with a baby, I have my iPhone in my hand scrolling Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and various other things.  It passes the time and keeps me awake!  I must have been so bored or sleeping when Charlie was a baby!  Although I do remember that I could catch the latest episode of Oprah at 3:00 AM back then!

It was during one of these 3:00 AM feedings while scrolling Facebook I discovered the "On this Day" tab.  I realize I may be behind on the times of Facebook here, but I was simply amazed at all that has gone on in our life that has been documented on Facebook.  There are things that I didn't remember happening and things that are etched in my memory forever.  But it was on one of these "On this Day" scrollings, that I discovered something that I had completely forgotten about...this blog!  You guys, I forgot I started a blog 7 years ago, which should say something about how busy our life has been in that time.  As I read through the antics of Charlie and Kiana, ages 3 and almost 2, memories flooded back.  Again, things that I had forgotten, like Kiana eating ink or Charlie's funny stories.  I read about the last days of Girard School district with some of the best co-workers ever and celebrating family birthdays.  I have kept a journal since high school, but these stories recorded here and pictures are like a virtual scrapbook of our life.

Somewhere in reading all those posts from 7 years ago, I realized that I have to do this again.  Our family has changed so much aside from nearly tripling in size and we have stories to tell.  I have memories and experiences that I want to share.  There are passions in my life now that were not present 7 years ago.  Maybe I will write these for just us, maybe I will write something that strikes a cord with someone else.  Either way, I had forgotten too, just how much I love to write.  So...welcome back.

One last thing, to be clear, I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS! Literally, I have to carve out and schedule me time.  But I think this is going to be as therapeutic!